The Hidden Strain of Perfectionism: When High Standards Hurt More Than They Help
The Quiet Cost of Always Trying to Get It Right
Perfectionism is often misunderstood. It gets praised in job interviews and glamorized on social media, high standards, detail-oriented, “I just really care about doing a good job.” But what if that same mindset is slowly draining your energy, undermining your self-worth, and quietly feeding your anxiety?
For many people, perfectionism isn’t about being excellent, it’s about avoiding failure, disappointment, or disapproval. It’s the voice that says, “If I don’t do this perfectly, I won’t be good enough.” And that voice isn’t a motivator. It’s a saboteur.
At NuHu Therapy, we often hear stories from clients who look like they’ve got it together—straight-A students, high performers, attentive parents, reliable partners but internally, they’re exhausted. They’re fighting a constant war with their inner critic. And the more they succeed, the higher the bar gets. It never ends.
Let’s unpack why this happens and why perfectionism isn’t just a harmless personality quirk, it’s often a psychological survival strategy that backfires.
What Is Perfectionism, Really?
Perfectionism isn’t the same as doing your best. It’s the belief that anything short of perfect is unacceptable—and that your worth as a person depends on achieving it. It often stems from early life environments where love or approval was conditional: “Do well, and you’re safe. Mess up, and you’re punished, ignored, or shamed.”
This pattern can shape how you relate to yourself and the world. And while perfectionism may help you survive childhood or navigate unsafe situations, it eventually becomes a heavy armor that keeps you rigid, isolated, and burned out.
There are a few common traits perfectionists share:
Black-and-white thinking: You’re either a success or a failure—no in-between.
Fear of mistakes: You overthink every decision because failure feels catastrophic.
Chronic self-criticism: You talk to yourself in ways you’d never speak to someone you love.
Procrastination: You delay starting tasks out of fear they won’t be done perfectly.
Hyper-productivity: You keep working longer, harder, better—but never feel done.
These traits often show up in therapy as symptoms of anxiety, depression, obsessive-compulsive tendencies, or burnout. They can also quietly erode your relationships. One of Steele D’Silva’s (Qualifying) clients put it this way:
“It’s like I’m always waiting for someone to point out the one thing I missed so I try to get ahead of it. But I never feel finished. It’s exhausting.”
The Mental Health Toll No One Talks About
Perfectionism isn’t harmless. It comes with real psychological consequences. Here’s how it can impact your mental health:
1. Anxiety
Living with constant internal pressure creates a nervous system always on high alert. You worry about being judged. You obsess over small mistakes. You fear being “found out” as incompetent, even when the evidence shows otherwise.
2. Depression
When your worth is tied to achievement, any failure, real or imagined, can feel crushing. Over time, that leads to hopelessness, low motivation, and persistent self-doubt. Perfectionists often report feeling “never good enough,” even when they’re excelling.
3. Burnout
Working harder isn’t sustainable. Eventually, your body and brain start to break down. You get sick more often, lose interest in things you once loved, and feel emotionally numb or overwhelmed. This is common in both high-achieving professionals and parents trying to “do it all.”
4. Disconnection
The more you chase perfection, the harder it is to let people see your flaws. That can make relationships feel distant or performative. You may struggle to ask for help or set boundaries because that would mean admitting you can’t do it all alone.
So Why Do We Cling to Perfectionism?
Because it works. Until it doesn’t.
Perfectionism gives you a sense of control. It protects you from shame, judgment, and unpredictability, at least temporarily. But over time, the cost becomes too high. You don’t rest. You don’t feel joy. You avoid risk. You stop trying new things.
Perfectionism tells you, “If I can just do everything right, nothing will hurt me.” But life doesn’t work that way.
Here’s the truth: You are allowed to be human. You are allowed to struggle. You are allowed to learn as you go.
Therapy can help you unlearn the lies that perfectionism taught you—and build a life where you’re not performing all the time.
Progress doesn’t come from being perfect. It comes from being willing to grow even when it’s messy.
How to Let Go of Perfectionism and Reclaim Your Mental Health
Let’s be honest: the idea of “talking to someone” about your inner world can feel uncomfortable, especially for those who’ve spent years hiding flaws behind polished performance. But therapy isn’t about judgment. It’s not about fixing you. It’s about understanding why your inner critic is so loud and helping you turn down the volume.
At NuHu Therapy, we work with people across Ontario who’ve spent years fighting for perfection. In therapy, many describe their first breakthroughs not as lightning bolts, but as small moments of relief:
Finally saying something out loud they’ve carried in silence
Realizing they’re not the only one who feels like a failure despite their accomplishments
Learning that self-compassion isn’t laziness, it’s actually strength
This is what the healing process looks like: not some dramatic transformation, but a slow, steady shift toward softness. Not less ambition, but less cruelty toward yourself. You don’t lose your edge, you just stop letting it cut you.
If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. Many of our clients struggling with perfectionism also deal with related concerns like anxiety, stress, and burnout. You can read more about how we address those patterns in our article on managing workplace anxiety.
A Client’s Turning Point: From Breakdown to Breakthrough
We recently worked with a young professional in Toronto, an ambitious high-achiever in a demanding job. From the outside, everything looked perfect: successful, fit, well-spoken. But inside, they were falling apart, crippling procrastination, anxiety before every email, and panic attacks that hit without warning.
Through weekly online therapy, we uncovered that their perfectionism had deep roots in childhood approval, fear of failure, and a belief that being flawed meant being unlovable.
Here’s what changed over six months:
They began to name and challenge their inner critic
They practiced small acts of imperfection (sending emails without triple-checking, taking weekends off)
They started journaling for insight instead of control
Eventually, they learned to rest without guilt
This didn’t mean they stopped striving. It meant they started living.
Lifestyle Shifts That Support Therapy for Perfectionism
Therapy provides the framework—but healing perfectionism also means changing the environment that feeds it. These are practical shifts we often recommend alongside therapy sessions.
1. Create “Imperfection Practice” Moments
Once a week, do something intentionally imperfect:
Wear mismatched socks
Share a rough draft
Leave a chore half-done
Let yourself stumble and notice you’re still okay
This rewires the brain’s response to perceived failure. Over time, the sky stops falling.
2. Track Wins, Not Just Tasks
Perfectionists often dismiss wins that aren’t “big enough.” But every boundary set, every honest conversation, every small break from overworking—that’s progress.
Keep a “Progress Not Perfection” journal and write down one thing you did well each day, no matter how small. You’ll start to see the real picture.
3. Cut the Comparison Loop
Social media is a perfectionist’s minefield. Curated feeds, hustle culture, and flawless reels create a distorted mirror.
Try this:
Unfollow accounts that spike your anxiety
Set time limits on apps
Use platforms intentionally, not habitually
If your perfectionism is linked to digital burnout or constant comparison, our piece on social media addiction counselling might resonate deeply.
4. Reframe the Meaning of Rest
Many perfectionists see rest as “unearned.” But rest is not a reward—it’s maintenance.
Start small. Schedule 30 minutes a day for something non-productive: reading, stretching, even doing nothing. If guilt arises, name it. Sit with it. Then rest anyway.
Healing happens in rest. Growth happens in space.
What Others Are Saying About Perfectionism
Dr. Keith Gaynor, a Senior Clinical Psychologist at St. John of God Hospital, offers a powerful breakdown of why perfectionists often find themselves battling depression in his video talk. He explains that perfectionism is less about high standards and more about fear, fear of failure, of judgment, of not being good enough. This fear drives a cycle of constant dissatisfaction, where even achievements feel empty because they never seem to measure up. His reminder? Learning to be satisfied with “good enough” is not a weakness, it’s a strength that helps us reconnect with joy, confidence, and emotional balance.
Disclaimer: This video is provided for educational purposes only and is not affiliated with or endorsed by NuHu Therapy. We encourage viewers to consult with a licensed therapist for individualized support.
Building a Life Beyond Perfectionism
There’s a pivotal shift that happens in therapy when someone begins to realize that perfection isn’t the goal. That showing up—messy, vulnerable, uncertain—is often more powerful than “getting it right.” This is where the real healing begins. Not in mastering every to-do list or perfecting every outcome, but in loosening the grip. In choosing compassion over critique. In living rather than performing.
One of Steele D’Silva’s (Qualifying) clients, a high-achieving professional in her early 30s, put it this way during session:
“I spent so many years polishing my edges that I forgot softness could be safe too. Therapy gave me permission to stop performing and actually feel like a person again.”
That insight isn’t rare. It echoes across therapy rooms every week. And it points to something bigger: the real cost of perfectionism is its disconnection. From joy. From creativity. From people. From self-worth.
So what does healing look like?
Sometimes, it’s learning to take a day off without spiralling. Sometimes it’s letting a loved one help. Sometimes it’s hitting send on an email that isn’t over-edited. But underneath it all, healing from perfectionism means building a relationship with yourself that is rooted in care, not conditions.
Frequently Asked Questions About Perfectionism
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Unhealthy perfectionism often shows up as chronic self-criticism, fear of failure, procrastination, burnout, or feeling like nothing you do is ever good enough. It can also cause relationship tension or make everyday tasks feel overwhelming. If your standards are driving anxiety or impacting your well-being, it may be time to get support. You can learn more in our article on anxiety and high-functioning stress.
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Yes, research and clinical experience show strong links between perfectionism and mental health challenges like anxiety, depression, obsessive-compulsive traits, and low self-esteem. Many clients also report feeling emotionally stuck or constantly “on edge.” Therapy helps unpack these patterns and replace them with healthier, more realistic thinking.
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Absolutely. Many of our clients across Ontario use online therapy to work through perfectionism. Virtual sessions are confidential, flexible, and just as effective as in-person therapy. Whether you’re in Toronto, Brampton, or a smaller community, support is available right from your home.
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There’s no one-size-fits-all answer. Some people notice shifts in just a few sessions; others may explore deeper patterns over several months. The goal is to build a mindset that allows for rest, humanity, and self-compassion. We focus on helping clients make meaningful, sustainable changes at their own pace.
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Look for a registered psychotherapist with experience in cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), mindfulness-based approaches, or trauma-informed care. At NuHu Therapy, we match clients with professionals who understand how perfectionism works beneath the surface—and how to gently help you unlearn it. Start by booking a free consultation to see if we’re the right fit for you.
Online Therapy for Perfectionism in Ontario
At NuHu Therapy, our team supports people who are finally ready to let go of perfectionism’s chokehold and build something softer, wiser, and more sustainable in its place. Through online psychotherapy sessions available across Ontario, we help clients examine the mental frameworks driving perfectionism and gently begin to rewrite them.
Whether you’re dealing with burnout from overwork, struggling with self-criticism, or simply tired of chasing a moving target, therapy provides a place to slow down and get honest with yourself. From exploring childhood experiences that shaped your self-worth to applying tools like CBT, mindfulness, and values-based goal setting, our therapists work with you to build clarity and resilience.
You don’t have to do this alone. And you don’t have to keep proving your worth.
If you’re ready to begin, you can learn more about how we work with clients struggling with inner pressure, performance anxiety, and self-esteem here:
👉 Breaking the Cycle of Catastrophizing
👉 The Importance of Self-Compassion
Or, if you’re done reading and ready to talk:
Book your free 20-minute consultation today.
Speak with a registered psychotherapist about your perfectionism, pressure, or anxiety. No referral needed. 100% virtual across Ontario.
